Marriage is rarely a static experience.
Like the environment around us, relationships move through cycles: some vibrant and warm, others cold and uncertain. At Triad Psych, we often see couples entering what clinician Terrance Putter calls a “Season of Change.”
This season isn’t defined by a single event, but rather by an accumulation of experiences: distance, unmet hopes, the quiet strain of not knowing how to reach one another, or even high-intensity conflict. When you are in the thick of it, it’s easy to feel like you’ve failed. However, a season of change is not a final verdict on your marriage; it is a call for care.
In this first part of our series on Integrated Developmental-Relational Psychotherapy (IDRP) in Couples Counseling, Terrance Putter, Clinical Director at Triad Psych, explores how to find your footing when the ground beneath your relationship feels unstable. His approach is grounded in Integrative Developmental–Relational Psychotherapy™ (IDRP), a whole-person, neurodiversity-affirming framework that helps couples make sense of distress without reducing the relationship to blame or quick fixes.
This perspective is also shaped by the Master Guideline Framework™ (MGF), which supports the practical tools discussed throughout this series, including finding your footing and managing your inner voice. At the center of this work is the Body–Mind–Soul Triad, an organizing principle for whole person integration that helps couples understand how physical stress, thought patterns, emotional meaning, and deeper values all affect the way they relate to one another. By understanding the core distinction between what you can control and what you can only influence, you can begin to navigate marital distress with greater clarity, steadiness, and respect.
Normalizing the Struggle: It’s a Season, Not a Sentence
When a marriage experiences distress, it becomes difficult to distinguish what actually happened from what was felt, remembered, or assumed. You might find that a brief exchange: perhaps a comment about the dishes or a missed phone call: carries a heavy emotional weight. This happens because these moments often touch on “older wounds”: times when you felt unseen, unheard, or left alone with your pain.
It is important to recognize that experiencing this distance or conflict doesn’t mean your relationship is over. Our team of experienced clinicians at Triad Psych works with couples to help them see that these challenges call for a structured, compassionate response rather than immediate panic. This work isn’t about assigning blame; it’s about returning to what remains possible when the path ahead feels uncertain.
The Core Distinction: Control, Responsibility, and Influence
One of the most exhausting aspects of marital strain is the attempt to manage things that are simply outside your reach. You may find yourself spending immense energy trying to “fix” your spouse’s tone, force an apology, or guarantee a specific outcome for the marriage.
Terrance Putter emphasizes a vital distinction that serves as the foundation for effective couples counseling:
- What You Cannot Control: You cannot control your spouse’s readiness to talk, their insights, their willingness to change, or their emotional timing.
- What You Can Control: You have 100% responsibility for how you interpret a situation, how you listen, how you communicate your boundaries, and how you protect the dignity of both yourself and your partner.
- Where Influence Lives: While you cannot control your partner, you can influence the relationship. A softened tone doesn’t guarantee repair, but it significantly reduces the likelihood of escalation. A sincere question doesn’t force a “correct” answer, but it opens the door for understanding.
By returning your focus to what is within your control, you move from a place of reactive exhaustion to a position of stable agency. This doesn’t solve every problem overnight, but it creates a healthier environment for marriage therapy to take root.
Managing Your Inner Voice
During seasons of change, your “inner voice” tends to get louder and more defensive. Fear and sadness often speak with a sense of absolute certainty. You might hear thoughts like, “I’m being pushed away” or “My needs don’t matter.”
Within the Master Guideline Framework™ (MGF), this kind of reflection is not just about changing your thoughts. It is about helping you stay connected to the Body–Mind–Soul Triad so your response is more grounded and less reactive. In practice, that can mean noticing what your body is signaling, naming the story your mind is telling, and checking in with the values or convictions you want to bring into the conversation.
While these feelings are real and deserve respect, the conclusions they draw aren’t always the full truth. Part of finding your footing involves reframing this internal dialogue so that your next response isn’t dictated by fear alone.
Consider these reframing examples used in our practice:
The Reactive Inner Voice A Caring, Reflected Inner Voice
“I am being pushed away.” “I feel distance right now, and I need to understand what is creating it.”
“This will end badly.” “I am anxious about the future, and I need steadiness before I decide what this means.”
“I have to protect myself immediately.”
“I can protect myself with care while still seeking a fuller understanding.”
Reframing is not “positive thinking” or ignoring your pain. It is the act of speaking to yourself with enough compassion that you remain grounded. This internal work allows you to take the next “honest step” with care rather than lashing out or shutting down.
Practical Step: The Three-Part Separation
If you are currently experiencing a difficult moment in your marriage, Terrance Putter suggests a specific sequence to slow down internal reactivity. Before responding to your spouse, try to separate your experience into three distinct parts:
- What happened? (The objective facts of the exchange).
- What did it stir within me? (The emotions and older memories that were triggered).
- What response would reflect the person I am trying to become? (An action aligned with your values, not just your current frustration).
This separation protects your clarity. It allows you to acknowledge that while a current concern is valid, it might be amplified by past experiences. By pausing to identify these parts, you preserve the dignity of the conversation and ensure that your response is intentional.
Why Professional Support Matters
Navigating a “Season of Change” is rarely a solo journey. Whether you are seeking mental health ser vices in Atlanta or looking for a licensed therapist in Charlotte, NC, having a neutral, expert perspective can make all the difference.
At Triad Psych, our clinicians provide a safe and supportive environment where couples can explore these control dynamics. We help you move past the “blame game” and into a structured way of relating that prioritizes emotional safety and honest communication.
Moving Forward
Finding your footing is the first step toward repair. In Part 2 of this series, we will dive deeper into the “Energy” we use in relationships and how to set relational goals that actually lead to understanding rather than further conflict.
If you and your partner are currently navigating a season of uncertainty, don’t wait for the strain to become unbearable. Our team is here to help you regain clarity and take the next faithful step toward a more fulfilling relationship.
Are you ready to explore how Integrated Developmental-Relational Psychotherapy (IDRP) can help your marriage?
Contact Triad Psych today to schedule a consultation at one of our locations in Georgia or North Carolina.
