By Dave Glick, EdM, LCSW
Relationships between neurotypical and neurodiverse partners can be deeply rewarding, but they can also present unique challenges that deserve careful examination. One concept that has gained increasing attention is Cassandra Syndrome-a situation where one partner (often the neurotypical) feels unheard, unseen, or invalidated, especially when their struggles in the relationship are minimized or dismissed. While the term is often used to highlight the genuine struggles of those living with neurodiverse partners, it requires a critical eye because not all narratives surrounding it are as straightforward as they seem.
Understanding the Heart of Cassandra Syndrome
At its core, Cassandra Syndrome describes the loneliness and isolation that a neurotypical partner may feel when communication and emotional reciprocity are difficult. This isn’t because neurodiverse individuals lack empathy or care, but because neurological differences affect how emotions are expressed, processed, and perceived.
The neurotypical partner may feel as though their concerns are invisible or invalidated, leading to frustration, resentment, and sometimes despair. However, a critical perspective is essential-because framing the neurodiverse partner as inherently unfeeling or incapable of love can be damaging and unfair. The reality is far more complex: challenges often arise from differences in processing, not deficiencies.
As well, much of the earlier literature about Cassandra Syndrome was very biased with all of the blame being placed on the neurodiverse partner who was usually a male. Yet now, contemporary thought leaders are challenging this view, bringing forward a more balanced viewpoint. Two marvelous thought leaders who are spearheading this effort are Dr. Stephanie Holmes and Ms. Jodi Carlton. Both based in Atlanta they have widely available literature and podcasts which anyone can access. As well Dr. Holmes has published several books.
The Hidden Dynamic: When Power and Control Enter the Picture
While many neurotypical partners experience genuine difficulty in these relationships, it’s also important to shine a light on a darker reality:
Some neurotypical individuals are deliberately drawn to neurodiverse partners because of a perceived opportunity to dominate. Using anger, manipulation, or aggression, these individuals exploit communication differences to control their partners.
For example:
- Gaslighting may be easier to impose when a partner processes information differently and struggles to defend themselves in real-time arguments.
- Emotional dominance can be exerted when one partner assumes a position of “expert” or “caretaker,” framing the neurodiverse partner as incapable.
- Aggression or anger may be used as tools of control, exploiting the neurodiverse person’s discomfort with conflict.
This kind of relationship is not only damaging but also unjust. Neurodiverse individuals deserve safe, respectful, and reciprocal relationships, not partnerships that use their differences as leverage for control.
Case Example: Alex and Jordan
Alex, a neurodiverse individual on the autism spectrum, was in a long-term relationship with Jordan, who was neurotypical. At first, Jordan seemed deeply understanding-offering to “help” Alex with social situations and daily routines.
But over time, Jordan began using Alex’s slower processing speed during arguments as a weapon. When Alex needed time to think, Jordan accused them of being “cold” or “uncaring.” If Alex tried to set boundaries, Jordan would respond with anger, knowing Alex avoided conflict at all costs.
Jordan also positioned themselves as the “expert” in the relationship, often dismissing Alex’s viewpoints by saying, “You just don’t understand how normal people think.”
Alex eventually began to feel voiceless and trapped-an example of Cassandra Syndrome, but complicated by Jordan’s need for dominance. In this case, the distress wasn’t just about communication differences but also about emotional control and aggression.
With the support of a therapist who understood neurodiverse dynamics, Alex learned to recognize these unhealthy patterns and set boundaries. Over time, Alex gained the confidence to leave the relationship and later built healthier, more balanced connections. And of course, as I love to say, he needed to “download the right software.” https://jodicarlton.podbean.com/e/s3-ep-3-the-neurodivergent-partner-needs-the-right-software-with-david-glick/
Practical Strategies for Neurodiverse-Neurotypical Couples
For couples navigating these challenges, awareness and intentional action can make a profound difference.
1. Build a Shared Communication Framework
- Use tools like visual aids, written notes, or structured check-ins to ensure clarity.
- Practice active listening: repeat back what you heard before responding, so misunderstandings are minimized.
- Set aside calm times for important discussions, rather than addressing them in the heat of conflict.
2. Recognize and Respect Processing Differences
- Neurotypical partners may want immediate emotional feedback, while neurodiverse partners often need more time to process.
- Create an agreement that it’s okay to pause a discussion and return to it later. This reduces escalation and allows thoughtful responses.
3. Establish Healthy Boundaries
- Make clear agreements around acceptable conflict behaviors (e.g., no yelling, no threats).
- If anger or aggression is used as control, recognize this as a red flag and seek support.
- Both partners should feel empowered to say, “I need a break,” without fear of retaliation.
4. Foster Mutual Understanding Through Education
- Learn about each other’s neurological styles: reading, workshops, or therapy tailored to neurodiverse relationships can help.
- Acknowledge that different doesn’t mean deficient-it means adapting to create a shared space.
5. Seek Professional Guidance When Needed
- Couples therapy with a practitioner experienced in neurodiverse relationships can provide invaluable strategies.
- Individual therapy can also help partners explore their needs without blame.
- Support groups for neurodiverse couples can reduce isolation and offer community wisdom.
A Balanced Approach
To approach Cassandra Syndrome responsibly, we must:
- Acknowledge the pain that some neurotypical partners genuinely feel when communication needs aren’t met.
- Reject harmful stereotypes that paint neurodiverse individuals as inherently unloving or emotionally void.
- Recognize abusive dynamics where a neurotypical partner uses their differences as an excuse to dominate.
- Promote mutual growth, encouraging both partners to learn each other’s communication styles, emotional languages, and needs.
- Skills acquisition, training the neurodiverse partner to be better able to tolerate and navigate intense emotional conflicts without decompensating and capitulating.
Key Takeaway
Cassandra Syndrome deserves discussion-but only through a critical lens. Without active discernment, the term risks unfairly stigmatizing neurodiverse individuals while ignoring the reality that some relationship struggles stem from control and aggression, not from neurological differences alone. In life it is rare that there is only one dynamic operating in isolation. Ultimately, healthy relationships-whether neurotypical, neurodiverse, or mixed-depend on empathy, mutual respect, and a commitment to growth on both sides. At my clinic, Triad Psych, we have and always will closely examine fads and trends in the mental health field before embracing them with our clients and patients. Myself and all of my staff are trained to view situations with a very thorough clinical 360 degree perspective and yes, a very critical eye to make sure we can address all of the dynamics present in a relationship so that we can truly and effectively help the couple.